


such strenuous living, i just don't understand

by ghostoftonantzin



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27427090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostoftonantzin/pseuds/ghostoftonantzin
Summary: The New York Vampire Sanctuary is constantly underfunded, frequently publicly maligned, and housed in one of the less glamorous neighborhoods of Staten Island. That doesn't stop the loyal staff from trying their best.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	such strenuous living, i just don't understand

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my tumblr drafts for a while, so I decided to post it on the website actually made for posting fanfiction. Inspired by [this tumblr post](https://gallusrostromegalus.tumblr.com/post/183558721538/i-get-so-tired-of-having-to-remind-people-this).
> 
> Title from "I Can Make You a Man" from Rocky Horror.

The man onscreen takes a deep breath and starts talking. “I’m Guillermo, and I’ve been an employee at the New York Vampire Sanctuary for ten years.” he says, as the words Guillermo: Employee, New York Vampire Sanctuary appear on the screen next to him.

“I was… fascinated with vampires growing up, since I saw _Interview with a Vampire_.” The camera follows him as he unlocks the back door to a large but nondescript brick building. He continues talking as he walks through the grey hallways of the building, turning on lights until he reaches what looks like an office break room. “I mean, I know for most people it was that documentary about trying to save the original populations in Romania from poachers. That came out when I was in fifth grade, I think.”

“Then the crew for that got their Oscar revoked for faking some scenes.” He pauses for a moment, staring at the large refrigerator next to the sink. He looks lost in thought. “ _Interview with a Vampire_ was fiction, though, obviously. No one’s ever heard of heard of vampires forming communities like that.”

He pulls open the door. “This is the blood refrigerator. We keep most of the blood bags in the cooler room. This just makes it easier for the morni- evening feedings. The evening feedings.” The camera pans briefly over several stacked rows of blood bags as he pulls several out at a time.

“All of our vampires at the sanctuary are carnivores right now. We had a frugivorous one here a few years back, but she got sent to a home in Florida.”

“Most frugivorous vampires can’t really handle the cold? And the heaters break sometimes here, since the building’s old. We’re kind of underfunded, um, most of the time.”

“It’s hard to get donations, too. I’m not really in charge of fundraising, but they’re not really ‘charismatic megafauna’.” He makes little air quotes around the term without looking back at the camera. “They’re more like coyotes than tigers? Like we have some people who are really passionate, but a lot of people still think of them as pests. Just because they drink blood.”

He peels a sticky note reading NADJA + LASZLO off of one stack of bags as he places them on a cafeteria-style tray. “We have a bonded pair here, which in vampires is a lot like marriage. They also can’t be in a home with, um, children. Or anyone who’s sensitive about, um.” He presses his lips together and glances at the camera awkwardly. “So we’ve had a hard time finding potential caretakers.”

On another tray, he places a similarly sized stacks of bags with a sticky note reading NANDOR. “We also have a vampire in here who was turned for fighting. So he basically can’t be rehomed, ever.” He picks that one up and heads back into the hall, the camera pivoting to follow him.

“But we try to give them a good life. Enrichment can be hard, because they’re predators, and they might run away if we let them outside too much.”

He stops outside a door down the hall and balances the tray in one hand as he unclips a key ring from his belt.

“I mean, it’s like birds, but worse, because birds might outlive you, but vampires are _definitely_ going to outlive you. A lot of people get vampires because they think they might make a cool pet, but they don’t think about paying for food or caring for them long-term. And then they end up here.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know either.
> 
> Also inspired by me making myself sad about pet bird rescues.


End file.
